The Truth About Hoover Phillips

Rats. They always make the best test subjects, next to humans if you can afford the licensing. Of course, the first battery of testing began with very specific living cells in a controlled environment. There had be to be evidence, reliable documented evidence, of actual functionality within the boundaries of the program.

The results were more incredible than anyone could have hoped to see. So it came to testing on rats.

That’s where the first of the problems began. The results were sporadic. They ranged from unconfirmed interaction, to minimal interaction, to get a mop. Yeah that’s right, some of the subjects literally popped. Like a meat fountain. What a mess. The success found in the original testing of individual living cells could not be reproduced within a living host. Tens of billions of invested monies from corporations too big to name was just- how do you put it? Evaporating? Hemorrhaging? Fuck, either way it was gone.

A lot of people were not happy. People you don’t make unhappy. The boss and all around “leader in the exploratory science of genetically modified bio-mechanical cell enhancement” was one of those people. He was an asshole. But the kind of asshole you pucker up and get on your knees for if you wanted to work in this field. And you better have soft lips when you plant one firmly on this guys cheek. Doctor Hoover Phillips, M.D., B.D., G.B.A., X.B., and a partridge in a pear tree.

Right, so the procedure didn’t seem to be working with the rats. Then the brilliant observation shows up: is the bio-tech configured for the specifics of rat DNA? Are you fucking kidding? Rat DNA? Apparently bio-tech coded for human DNA only works on the tiny bits of rat DNA that happen to match. It has less to do with the G, A, T, C, and more to do with the specific arrangement within the human helix. Well shit, what kind of genius didn’t see this coming? Obviously a few thousand scientists that all bore that self proclaimed title.

Then there’s Dr. Phillips, mother fucking every single person that worked on the project for not thinking of this one tiny piece of the puzzle. In truth it was a multi-billion dollar oops. A guy could get awfully upset for that. No more upset than the massive blunder that came from the first and only Europa mission. Talk about a fuck-up on an epic scale, but Jupiter didn’t need that moon anyway.

Dr. Phillips did his best to pressure the board to agree to human trials. But with the recorded data from experimentation on the rats there was not even a single vote to proceed. Needless to say Dr. Hoover Phillips was in a fuck-all of a mood. He even went so far as to attempt an “accidental” injection of the bio-tech into a lab assistant. When the charges were filed with H.R. it came down to what could be proved. Not a damned thing. No video, no audio; Dr. Phillips’ word against the lab assistant. They fired the wrong asshole.

The board wanted to re-write the entire bio-tech code to test the program on rats. That’s exactly the kind of stupid shit a bureaucrat would suggest. “Let’s throw another hundred billion working this technology from the ground up.” Fuck that. Things needed to move forward.

This was a program that would revolutionize exploration and colonization. Could you imagine bio-tech that would allow your lungs to extract oxygen from a methane or ammonia rich environment? Bio-tech that would allow your skin to hold back extreme temperatures? We’re talking no fucking suits, no air tanks! Bio-tech that would allow you to walk naked in what is now a toxic atmosphere!

Could you imagine?

That’s why what was done had to be done. The human condition needed to be fixed, to be remade. No sickness, no disease. It came down to the simplest of solutions. The bio-tech was already self-replicating, it just needed a delivery system. Funny that the system was already in place.

Dr. Phillips smuggled out a tiny droplet injected into his digital print. Track that fucker all you want, you still wouldn’t see that bio-tech. No one ever got around to printing it. Not with a tracer at any rate, not yet. Dr. Phillips just had to load that miniscule drop into a service drone and let the thing do it’s job. Up and away to perform maintenence work on the atmospheric stabilizers.

The bio-tech hit everyone. It was in the fucking rain, dispersed into the air you breathe. And nobody had a damn inkling of an idea. Dr. Phillips remade the world. That bio-tech really did a number on the world didn’t it? That’s why no one visits Earth anymore. Planet wide quarantine. What a fucking asshole.

You see, for a genius you figure he would have remembered what it did to the rats…

END

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